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[Nov. 17th, 2009|02:33 pm] |
"John Elderedge said personality begets personality. I mean, all of the things that we are born naturally with, shouldn't they have an origin? Could an explosion create a personality or a desire or love? No, only love could come from love, and unless that explosion knew how to do that, I don't believe it created me. I have nothing in common with explosions. I can't imagine an explosion being able to think like me or feel like I do. I can't imagine an explosion being more intelligent than I am. As a grain of sand cannot produce honey, neither can a great collision produce courage or fear or an imagination."
that's just part of this blog post my friend Stephanie wrote back in 2007 on myspace. i've gone back and read it more than twice since 2007 when she posted it and every time it feels like the first time i'm reading it. it's kind of long, but not really. i still wanted to share it with anyone who would want to read it.
( love and the story behind it )
a few nights ago i had another dream where i was praying for someone and healing them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|09:04 pm] |
i had a dream the other night that i met a man who had lost the fingers on his right hand. i then placed his hand flat between both of mine and prayed over it, and his fingers grew back.
"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father."
John 14:12-13 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|12:00 am] |
happy 21st birthday to my [original] ladies, ellen and alexi glines!
I remembered right as I looked at the clock change. I hope you gals have the best. LOVE YOU BOTH! =]
perhaps an update in the future on life happenings (as if such really matters). |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|01:58 pm] |
i don't think anything irritates me more than a christian who believes in predestination. it totally eliminates free will and the personal relationship with God though Jesus. it eliminates UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and replaces it with a slave-like state.
its bogus. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2009|01:29 am] |
im listening to the new Evergreen Terrace album "almost home" and its seriously so good. i forgot that they were one of my most favorite bands for the latter 3 years of my high school life and maybe a year into college. they kind of just dropped off the map as far as my favorites went. but this album feels so good and tugs on those old strings. listening to this album just reminded me of how much i loved them then and then i realized how long ago that was.
high school was a long time ago.
i think it would be totally dope to get the 5 year old me, the 12 year old me, the 17 year old me and myself right now, all at a table. just so i can see what i was like then and compare to who i am now. seriously, if i asked myself "whats going on in your life right now?" at those ages, theres no telling what answers i would get. i would tell the 5 year old me to cherish being young and not worry about my sister eating the ice cream. i would tell the 12 year old me that i wouldn't always be chubby and that i still have a lot of friends to go through before i find some sweet solid ones. i would tell the 17 year old me that i look super ridiculous and that im going to change a lot in the coming years, and that 19 would be the best age i'd live for a good time to come. and to really cherish every moment from the beginning of '07 through summer '08.
then we could all get a picture together and i would frame it and put it on my wall. that would probably be the best. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2009|12:53 am] |
i feel very used and lead on. not in the sense that i was used, but all used up. drained of energy. not that she did this on purpose, shit just happens. i hate putting myself into something and it just going away. i had a lot of hope for this; it seemed like such a perfect thing to happen. but i suppose hope is all it was. perhaps something will happen in the future but i'm really not counting on it. or hoping for it at the moment. just let it be, let it be. i'd rather not date a girl who has underlying feelings for her ex, anyway. i guess this works out. and thanks for not telling me like a week ago and just torturing me by hardly speaking to me. i could have been over it and hittin' on some hawt bab3z at CBU. or something. or just over it.
i feel very discouraged. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|03:01 pm] |
dear future-wife,
i miss you. i hope we meet soon.
with all the love reserved for you,
your future-husband. |
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| . |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|09:06 pm] |
Great. Now I'm living with regret.
If I could go back in time, I would seriously stop myself from dating lauren. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|05:26 pm] |
semi-went on a date last night? sort of? (she really wanted me to be there with her at this drum circle thing and share the first experience with me. sounds like a date to me.) i wont write all about it. i had a lot of fun and it was a very enjoyable night in pleasant company, that ended with her and i sitting on a curb, eating cheese and drinking slurpees.
i will say, though, that my favorite part was sitting up on a lookout sky gazing tower thing and watching rocketman on my ipod and sharing ear buds with her. we sat for a while watching it, then switched to laying on our bellies and i put the ipod between the boards to stand up and we watched it from there, giggling every 5 minutes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2009|12:02 am] |
happy 20th birthday gabby! i love you!
i was suppose to play hide and seek tonight but that fell through and NOBODY TOLD ME!
i didn't get to talk to britnee much today and that bums me out.
i did, however, talk to kelley. surpriiiiisssseeee.
i miss brittney. i think i am going to go visit her soon, as well as my brother steve.
i miss warren. as always.
i miss tia. i hope i see her soon.
i don't see my friends enough.
i can't wait until the weather gets cold.
i really need to live somewhere that's cold frequently. reykjavik?
i still need to go for walks.
it still feels weird being 21. i know i have been for 3 months now, but still. its weird to look back. haha and it wont get any less weird, because im only getting older.
i feel like my apology was accepted out of pride, because she didn't say it was accepted or acknowledge that i forgave her. she only said she was waiting for it but thought it would never happen. i feel like i really shouldn't have talked to her, but whats done is done.
i've apologized.
i've forgiven.
onward and upward. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|12:32 pm] |
i stepped in gum the other day. its really discouraging when you notice it and pick up your foot like a foot and a half off the floor and its stringing the entire way. if you chew gum, don't spit it out in a parking lot where people walk. or just don't spit it out unless its in a trash can. i hate finding gum in places it shouldn't be. it makes people like me angry. its also pretty gross and a pain in the butt to clean off.
i may have a date on sunday night? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|01:29 am] |
"you can't change lives if you're sitting at home".
God totally just bombed this on me like 15 minutes ago while I was laying in bed listening to some tithemi sermons I downloaded a while ago. I was just thinking about how I can start loving others more and being a tool of God and showing others His love and glory. being an example. I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen, but He totally just threw it in me that I need to start walking around. it starts there.
He also told me theres some forgiving I need to do.
making yourself vulnerable to the Spirit of God is dope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|05:42 pm] |
my heart is filled with songs of forever--
a city that endures, where all is made new
i know i don't belong here; i'll never
call this place my home, i'm just passing through
the lyrics above were taken from the song "in exile" by thrice, from the new album "beggars". it may just be my favorite song they've ever written. thrice has changed so much over the years. please give them a new listen.
myspace.com/thrice
-------------------------------------------------
along the lines of my last entry, that gal from visalia and her boyfriend broke up a few days ago. i'm not rushing into anything, i'm still taking my time. i'm still recovering from my last relationship. not that i'm still hooked on lauren, i just feel emotionally drained from it. i put a lot into it and i'm not quite ready to just throw myself into another relationship quite yet. with that, we'll see what happens. there's definitely something there, though. hopefully i have better luck than i did with the last girl from visalia, hahaha. shukwit. =|
i went to camp for what was probably the last time, for a long time. unless i somehow end up being there for whatever reason. but as it stands, i really have no reason to go back. with matt gone, soon completely new staffs will come and go, and i wont know anyone there. the memories i have of that place will endure as long as i live. i still have my keys, so maaayyybbeee i'll go back haha. theres a few hikes i wouldn't mind taking on a random day where i have nothing to do. but it wont ever be the same.
i've had this livejournal account for 5 years and 2 days, now. totally missed my LJ birthday. =/ |
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| ... and now we play the waiting game... |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|02:20 pm] |
its a real bummer how some things play out. i just now realized after i typed that sentence, that i was dumped a month ago yesterday. it seems like it was much longer ago. i suppose its been a pretty long month, though. very... eventful.
anyway, back to why some things are a bummer how they play out.
before i started dating lauren* a few days after i started TALKING TO lauren, i met this gal from visalia, the next town over. we got along really well and had very much in common right off the bat, and starting all that was that our favorite movie is rocketman. turns out she developed quite a huge crush on me but i started dating lauren about a week*MONTH later, so she backed off. i was informed of this, by her, about a week and a half ago or so. we started talking a lot more after i got dumped. i spent so much of my time texting lauren that i needed to text other people to help fill my time with other things and not dwelling on my failed relationship. so during this time, i start to develop a crush on this gal because the more we talk, the more we have in common. sometimes its waaay too uncanny how much we have in common. so after a while of this crush surfacing, i start to get the feeling that she had a boyfriend. about a week after that, i find out that she DOES have a boyfriend, but its only been about a week since they started dating. what goes around comes around. we've talked about the possibility of "us" once or twice, but only wishing that i wasn't taken when she liked me four months ago, when we find out we have something HUGE in common. we still talk quite a bit and we still find out we have more in common, but nothing is going to happen. at least not soon. and im fine with that. we're growing close enough as friends, and i dont need to be dumped again any time soon.
what sparked me to actually write about this, was that this morning i woke up to about 10 texts from her. she was watching rocketman late last night and she was sending me texts of quotes from the movie, as well as several pictures with quotes. its a bummer that i find this kind of gal and it only goes as far as friendship. not that its bad, dont get my wrong, im totally stoked to have a friend like this, but sometimes i just wish it could be more. maybe some day.
on that note of july being a long month, i made a new friend in town. her name is kristin, and she goes to the same church that my family attends. we've hung out a few times and its been pretty fun. im trying to keep a distance as to not give her the impression that i want to date, while giving subtle hints that im not interested in such a thing happening between us. thats the only thing im really afraid of with that, because im really not down to have to go through saying im not interested in dating her. but if it comes to it, then so be it. but so far we're pretty good friends. she asked me yesterday if i would go with her to her friends wedding because she has nobody else to go with. i told her i would after questions of when and seeing if i were doing anything that day and if i could get it off and whatnot. hopefully that doesn't really contribute to her thinking im interested. if so, whatevs. my life needs some sort of excitement or something to make it interesting.
i may be going up to camp today for what could possibly be the LAST time. and maybe seeing matt for the LAST time. for a long time. and in california. i have plans to go to texas, so i know i'll see him later in life.
my phone pooped out on me almost a week ago. i had to switch back to my old phone and i ended up losing all my contacts. so i need numbers. if you have my number, just text me with your name. if not, leave me a comment with your number.
maktub.
[edit]*i just realized when i got a picture comment on one of my pictures on myspace, that i received a comment from her not even a week after lauren and i started talking. further research into my profile comments revealed that we have known each other only a few days shorter than i have known lauren. |
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| learning. |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:16 pm] |
meeeeh.
i'll take it as it comes. life, that is.
certain things don't last forever.
i'll have my chance.
relationships don't last forever. most of them, that is.
hurmmmmm.
it's too short to let things get you down. life, that is.
certain things do last forever.
my chance may have passed.
most relationships don't last forever. a few of them do, the rest we hope will last.
this song is 49:32 long. i guess that's why it's titled "infinity". i love it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|07:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | with honor | ] |
you're good at dick moves that prevent me from ever wanting to reconcile with you. |
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| wait for something better? this time it doesn't mean us. |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|12:06 am] |
after a phone call from lauren tonight while she was driving back home from san diego or wherever she currently was, i've come to realize that we're so much better being just friends. we talked about it. through this last week of us breaking up and STILL talking every day, i think we've both become much more comfortable with each other. in fact i KNOW we are. we still know each other well and are really happy that we still talk as much as we do. that may one day change, but knowing that we both know things are better this way brings so much clarity to the issue. while im still emotionally bummed about the events that took place, i know things are better this way and i'll get better. God has pulled me through a lot these last few weeks, and so much with this break up. im glad that i've realized how much better we are this way. i actually might like it a lot more than us being together.
i've seriously only listened to this new album by hands, since ive been home. its SOOOOOOO GOOD. |
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| wait for something better. will i know when it can be us? |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|07:09 pm] |
so that roll of film that had some t0tally sw33t pix0rz on it, had NOTHING on it. i guess i loaded the film wrong. i am very upset by this, but life goes on and there isn't anything i can do to change the outcome of it. unless somebody has a time machine they are willing to let me use for a second. plz. other than that terrible accident, i got a black and white roll from late last year developed. that had some good pictures on it, so i am pretty satisfied.
things between lauren and i are going well. im still pretty bummed we're not together anymore. especially since we still talk every day. its almost like how we were while we were dating, just we're not dating or talking about how we feel. and for me that kills, because i still feel so much for her. i dont know how she feels, and im not going to bother asking. maybe next time the subject of "us" comes up again. but whatevs. i just wish we would still be together. or get back together. i wish we could have tried to work through it together, instead of her on her own. maybe some day we'll try again when she's more comfortable. if she ever feels like it. or has feelings for me then. if they haven't diminished already. balls.
the other day, through a series of events, i found myself subscribing to podcasts from tithemi outreach, the church where xdeathstarx and sleeping giant attend. i was SUPER STOKED when i found this, and i really dont know why. i listened to the sermon last night while in bed, and i loved it. i love it. i love how God lead me there. i just downloaded all the previous sermons i could, and im about to put them on my ipod. someday i would really love to attend that church.
today i got the new hands album "creator" (that doesn't come out until tuesday) in the mail, along with a shirt and a poster thats signed by dave quiggle. i love the artwork for the poster, and the fact that his signed it is just awesome. i cant wait to put it up on my wall. thats one of the main reasons i preordered it. i didn't care for the shirt, i loved the band already, but the poster sealed the mothereffin DEAL!
i LOVE how my experiences with God have been becoming more frequent. or maybe my eyes are just opening. either way, praise the Lord, and keep it coming! |
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