Only Thunder Gives Me Rest

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:26:13 GMT

For the first time ever, I had a friend from out of town come to my house to visit ME specifically. She just decided to come see me. I go on so many road trips to see people, that I've never felt the blessing of someone driving HOURS just to visit me, for no real reason at all except just for fun. Not that I'm taking for granted all the times shuk has come to town, but that's different. He's friends with my whole family and he would come here even if I weren't in town (not that I don't like that, like I said, its just different). But being on the other side and having someone visit me... I really appreciated it. It was so random and nice. I really hope my friends appreciate and love my visits as much as I appreciated and loved yesterdays visit. I always go to people. It was a nice change to be on the other side. I almost didn't know what to do with myself.

The new year is approaching very quickly. A new decade. New changes. New friends. New job(s). New love-interest(s). New decisions to make. New places to travel. New things to experience. New reasons to hurt. New reasons to heal. Am I spelling "new" right? I've typed it so many times that it doesn't even look like a real word, anymore. New dreams. New homes. New tattoos. New records. New family members (hopefully someone gets married). New reasons to get up in the mornings. New car (at least my first one). New responsibilities. New bills. New fulfilled prophecies. New church to attend. New things to learn about myself. Same God to guide me through it. A lot happens in ten years.

Leah and I are going vegetarian next year EXCEPT our birthdays, thanksgiving and christmas. It'll be an experience. Haha hopefully a GOOD experience. I sure am going to miss my tacos and famous dave's burgers, though. =(

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:58:24 GMT

... girls.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:33:45 GMT

"John Elderedge said personality begets personality. I mean, all of the things that we are born naturally with, shouldn't they have an origin? Could an explosion create a personality or a desire or love? No, only love could come from love, and unless that explosion knew how to do that, I don't believe it created me. I have nothing in common with explosions. I can't imagine an explosion being able to think like me or feel like I do. I can't imagine an explosion being more intelligent than I am. As a grain of sand cannot produce honey, neither can a great collision produce courage or fear or an imagination."

that's just part of this blog post my friend Stephanie wrote back in 2007 on myspace. i've gone back and read it more than twice since 2007 when she posted it and every time it feels like the first time i'm reading it. it's kind of long, but not really. i still wanted to share it with anyone who would want to read it.

"love and the story behind it" written by Stephanie Benton:

[Though I am opposing a few things, keep in mind that there is a bigger point here. The goal is not to offend but to stir.]

I've read so many books lately that touch on the fact that our inner workings are all designed for a specific unearthly shape that we cannot find here. That we will not find here. Humanity has proven that we are all searching for something. Every word out of our mouths is a reflection of us seeking approval. What we say, we want you to know. There is a specific contour in the shape of our souls that only one thing can provide. And science does not give me what I'm looking for. [By science, I mean equations, rules, and systems.] Science only makes me more confused and at the end of the day science does not tuck me in to bed.

It seems that humanity has forgotten how to ask why. We are all still looking for an answer, but what could maybe provide us with the answer is focusing on what we lack. The strongest desires in our heart were not put here by science, by sound and logical theories. Theories are great. Let people with minds think. But theories are not any sort of origin. We should stop asking "How do I gain love, fame, wealth, and approval?" and ask, instead, "Why do I want these things?"

John Elderedge said personality begets personality. I mean, all of the things that we are born naturally with, shouldn't they have an origin? Could an explosion create a personality or a desire or love? No, only love could come from love, and unless that explosion knew how to do that, I don't believe it created me. I have nothing in common with explosions. I can't imagine an explosion being able to think like me or feel like I do. I can't imagine an explosion being more intelligent than I am. As a grain of sand cannot produce honey, neither can a great collision produce courage or fear or an imagination. A mind > a mind > a mind. So where did my sense of adventure come from? Man has been created in God's image. I don't doubt God is adventurous. I love people. Where did that come from? I doubt love is merely a chemical in my brain. Perhaps that's all of the physical matter that makes it up, but what is it really? And where does it come from? And why is love? I think, I hope, that chemicals are not simply the end result of our answer to why love is.

There are people I know that I think are so wonderful there has to be a God. They had to be created by some artist's hand because science could not explain why that person is so amazing. Put a body on the table that is not alive. All the elements are there so why is it not living? All the physical things that make up a human life are there, so what makes the gears start spinning? There is more to this than physicality. There is more to love than chemicals in your head. There is more to breathing than oxygen circulating throughout the atmosphere.

We are full of our quirks. I do things I don't think anyone else does, and so do you. We all have our own personalities. We all think in different patterns. We all want different things. There's a reason. We are derived directly from an artist's mind. Any other answer just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. All other explanations take away the beauty of life. They strip life of its wonder and turn it into an equation. Life is not an equation. If it was I'd be really pissed with my outcome.

I'm not saying this to sound as though Christianity is afraid of science, or that science is by any means a bad thing. If the God I believe is really true, I think science could not disprove him. But what's interesting is that, though they cannot disprove him, they also can't prove him. I think the fact that we love something we can't see or hear audibly every day is something beautiful. I think God thinks it's beautiful. It's also not that I don't like science. I think science is really awesome. It was my favorite subject in school. I just don't think humans and bullet points correlate all that well. Humans should be more alive than that. Humans should be living life to understand what's really going on. You see, I think the answer is in us, not in theories about explosions. Eventually, we will die, and whether we believed a theory about an explosion or not will not matter at all.

I feel that I've found the thing that finally approves of who I am, all the darkness in who I am is not enough to make him turn away. I am disgusting internally, I mean it's a total wreck in there, but finally I can just rest in the fact that no matter what I'm okay and that there is someone who will love me anyway. There are people I know who I feel know me pretty well and decide to love me despite what I do wrong, but there is no relationship so deep, no friendship so intense, as one who sees directly into the heart of who you are, and says, "You're exactly what I want."

I was thinking about creation a few nights ago. I was thinking about how God created the grass I stand on and the skies I sit under, and I was thinking about how personal that is. It's like being in God's painting. And we were also drawn in there. Whether you personally believe in God or not, you cannot deny that it's quite a romantic and beautiful thing that you might have been put in this world, in this life on purpose, and that you're not really alone out here. It's really hard to grasp and sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I cannot get over the thought that a Being much holier and more fantastic than anything I could ever wrap my mind around thought specifically of me, spent time molding me with his very own hands - the hands that crafted the waves in the ocean and the hands that had a thick nail driven through them. Those hands, that being, chose to love me.

Maybe this relationship with God is more than we ever could have imagined. Maybe there is something far deeper than prayer, than words, that we can experience with him. I'm not quite sure I can put my finger on it, but I believe it's true he's been with us since the beginning. He shaped me specifically, breathed life into me, and equipped me enough for the world. Then he gave me a pat on the back and set me off. He watched me when I was born and he was beside me when I slept. It would be interesting if we really believed that. It would be interesting to have a friend like that at all. Someone who saw you in your most intimate times and cried with you in your most painful; someone who sees inside of you. That's what we all want, isn't it? Someone to know us fully? Someone who understands our story and sees through what we say. That's what all of humanity is craving. This relationship with God is so much more personal than church and rules and a bunch of doctrine. No, this is a story that started in the beginning. It's a love story about a wife who can't get enough of everything else when all she really needs is her husband. It's the husband's attempt at getting her back. And he's not stopping there, he's seeking her love, not just her faithfulness. Just read Hosea. God's love is adequate. One day we will behold him with our very own eyes and our relationship will no longer feel like a struggle, it will be restored into something brilliant. We will behold the only thing we have ever desired, whether we knew it or not.

Thinking about that is so astounding that sometimes I sit and cry about it. Not because I'm sad, because it's so beautiful. Because it answers my spirit's deepest longing in the most beautiful and poetic way. It's the answer to why I do everything I do. So I encourage you, seek this relationship. Stop turning your thoughts into a formulaic method with bullet points and proper grammer and look at the stars. Or hang out with your friends. This is no accident, my friend. The thing that created you cherishes you, protects you, adores you, and overall, loves you with a love that none of us could muster. One day you will stand before him, and you will be united with the only thing that could ever save you, the only thing that could ever love you adequately. It's the most telling love story there is.

a few nights ago i had another dream where i was praying for someone and healing them.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:10:32 GMT

i had a dream the other night that i met a man who had lost the fingers on his right hand. i then placed his hand flat between both of mine and prayed over it, and his fingers grew back.

"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father."
John 14:12-13

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:04:31 GMT

happy 21st birthday to my [original] ladies, ellen and alexi glines!

I remembered right as I looked at the clock change. I hope you gals have the best. LOVE YOU BOTH! =]

perhaps an update in the future on life happenings (as if such really matters).

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:02:49 GMT

i don't think anything irritates me more than a christian who believes in predestination. it totally eliminates free will and the personal relationship with God though Jesus. it eliminates UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and replaces it with a slave-like state.

its bogus.

this doesn't matter.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 08:01:41 GMT

i wonder if she misses me at all.

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:36:29 GMT

im listening to the new Evergreen Terrace album "almost home" and its seriously so good. i forgot that they were one of my most favorite bands for the latter 3 years of my high school life and maybe a year into college. they kind of just dropped off the map as far as my favorites went. but this album feels so good and tugs on those old strings. listening to this album just reminded me of how much i loved them then and then i realized how long ago that was.

high school was a long time ago.

i think it would be totally dope to get the 5 year old me, the 12 year old me, the 17 year old me and myself right now, all at a table. just so i can see what i was like then and compare to who i am now. seriously, if i asked myself "whats going on in your life right now?" at those ages, theres no telling what answers i would get. i would tell the 5 year old me to cherish being young and not worry about my sister eating the ice cream. i would tell the 12 year old me that i wouldn't always be chubby and that i still have a lot of friends to go through before i find some sweet solid ones. i would tell the 17 year old me that i look super ridiculous and that im going to change a lot in the coming years, and that 19 would be the best age i'd live for a good time to come. and to really cherish every moment from the beginning of '07 through summer '08.

then we could all get a picture together and i would frame it and put it on my wall. that would probably be the best.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 08:06:14 GMT

i feel very used and lead on. not in the sense that i was used, but all used up. drained of energy. not that she did this on purpose, shit just happens. i hate putting myself into something and it just going away. i had a lot of hope for this; it seemed like such a perfect thing to happen. but i suppose hope is all it was. perhaps something will happen in the future but i'm really not counting on it. or hoping for it at the moment. just let it be, let it be. i'd rather not date a girl who has underlying feelings for her ex, anyway. i guess this works out. and thanks for not telling me like a week ago and just torturing me by hardly speaking to me. i could have been over it and hittin' on some hawt bab3z at CBU. or something. or just over it.

i feel very discouraged.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:05:35 GMT

dear future-wife,

i miss you. i hope we meet soon.

with all the love reserved for you,
your future-husband.

.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:06:48 GMT

Great. Now I'm living with regret.

If I could go back in time, I would seriously stop myself from dating lauren.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:31:46 GMT

semi-went on a date last night? sort of? (she really wanted me to be there with her at this drum circle thing and share the first experience with me. sounds like a date to me.) i wont write all about it. i had a lot of fun and it was a very enjoyable night in pleasant company, that ended with her and i sitting on a curb, eating cheese and drinking slurpees.

i will say, though, that my favorite part was sitting up on a lookout sky gazing tower thing and watching rocketman on my ipod and sharing ear buds with her. we sat for a while watching it, then switched to laying on our bellies and i put the ipod between the boards to stand up and we watched it from there, giggling every 5 minutes.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 07:31:19 GMT

happy 20th birthday gabby! i love you!

i was suppose to play hide and seek tonight but that fell through and NOBODY TOLD ME!
i didn't get to talk to britnee much today and that bums me out.
i did, however, talk to kelley. surpriiiiisssseeee.
i miss brittney. i think i am going to go visit her soon, as well as my brother steve.
i miss warren. as always.
i miss tia. i hope i see her soon.
i don't see my friends enough.
i can't wait until the weather gets cold.
i really need to live somewhere that's cold frequently. reykjavik?
i still need to go for walks.

it still feels weird being 21. i know i have been for 3 months now, but still. its weird to look back. haha and it wont get any less weird, because im only getting older.

i feel like my apology was accepted out of pride, because she didn't say it was accepted or acknowledge that i forgave her. she only said she was waiting for it but thought it would never happen. i feel like i really shouldn't have talked to her, but whats done is done.

i've apologized.
i've forgiven.

onward and upward.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:40:51 GMT

i stepped in gum the other day. its really discouraging when you notice it and pick up your foot like a foot and a half off the floor and its stringing the entire way. if you chew gum, don't spit it out in a parking lot where people walk. or just don't spit it out unless its in a trash can. i hate finding gum in places it shouldn't be. it makes people like me angry. its also pretty gross and a pain in the butt to clean off.

i may have a date on sunday night?

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:29:24 GMT

"you can't change lives if you're sitting at home".

God totally just bombed this on me like 15 minutes ago while I was laying in bed listening to some tithemi sermons I downloaded a while ago. I was just thinking about how I can start loving others more and being a tool of God and showing others His love and glory. being an example. I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen, but He totally just threw it in me that I need to start walking around. it starts there.

He also told me theres some forgiving I need to do.

making yourself vulnerable to the Spirit of God is dope.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:30:53 GMT

my heart is filled with songs of forever--
a city that endures, where all is made new
i know i don't belong here; i'll never
call this place my home, i'm just passing through

the lyrics above were taken from the song "in exile" by thrice, from the new album "beggars". it may just be my favorite song they've ever written. thrice has changed so much over the years. please give them a new listen.

myspace.com/thrice

-------------------------------------------------

along the lines of my last entry, that gal from visalia and her boyfriend broke up a few days ago. i'm not rushing into anything, i'm still taking my time. i'm still recovering from my last relationship. not that i'm still hooked on lauren, i just feel emotionally drained from it. i put a lot into it and i'm not quite ready to just throw myself into another relationship quite yet. with that, we'll see what happens. there's definitely something there, though. hopefully i have better luck than i did with the last girl from visalia, hahaha. shukwit. =|

i went to camp for what was probably the last time, for a long time. unless i somehow end up being there for whatever reason. but as it stands, i really have no reason to go back. with matt gone, soon completely new staffs will come and go, and i wont know anyone there. the memories i have of that place will endure as long as i live. i still have my keys, so maaayyybbeee i'll go back haha. theres a few hikes i wouldn't mind taking on a random day where i have nothing to do. but it wont ever be the same.

i've had this livejournal account for 5 years and 2 days, now. totally missed my LJ birthday. =/

... and now we play the waiting game...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 21:58:49 GMT

its a real bummer how some things play out. i just now realized after i typed that sentence, that i was dumped a month ago yesterday. it seems like it was much longer ago. i suppose its been a pretty long month, though. very... eventful.

anyway, back to why some things are a bummer how they play out.

~~before i started dating lauren~~* a few days after i started TALKING TO lauren, i met this gal from visalia, the next town over. we got along really well and had very much in common right off the bat, and starting all that was that our favorite movie is rocketman. turns out she developed quite a huge crush on me but i started dating lauren about a ~~week~~*MONTH later, so she backed off. i was informed of this, by her, about a week and a half ago or so. we started talking a lot more after i got dumped. i spent so much of my time texting lauren that i needed to text other people to help fill my time with other things and not dwelling on my failed relationship. so during this time, i start to develop a crush on this gal because the more we talk, the more we have in common. sometimes its waaay too uncanny how much we have in common. so after a while of this crush surfacing, i start to get the feeling that she had a boyfriend. about a week after that, i find out that she DOES have a boyfriend, but its only been about a week since they started dating. what goes around comes around. we've talked about the possibility of "us" once or twice, but only wishing that i wasn't taken when she liked me four months ago, when we find out we have something HUGE in common. we still talk quite a bit and we still find out we have more in common, but nothing is going to happen. at least not soon. and im fine with that. we're growing close enough as friends, and i dont need to be dumped again any time soon.

what sparked me to actually write about this, was that this morning i woke up to about 10 texts from her. she was watching rocketman late last night and she was sending me texts of quotes from the movie, as well as several pictures with quotes. its a bummer that i find this kind of gal and it only goes as far as friendship. not that its bad, dont get my wrong, im totally stoked to have a friend like this, but sometimes i just wish it could be more. maybe some day.

on that note of july being a long month, i made a new friend in town. her name is kristin, and she goes to the same church that my family attends. we've hung out a few times and its been pretty fun. im trying to keep a distance as to not give her the impression that i want to date, while giving subtle hints that im not interested in such a thing happening between us. thats the only thing im really afraid of with that, because im really not down to have to go through saying im not interested in dating her. but if it comes to it, then so be it. but so far we're pretty good friends. she asked me yesterday if i would go with her to her friends wedding because she has nobody else to go with. i told her i would after questions of when and seeing if i were doing anything that day and if i could get it off and whatnot. hopefully that doesn't really contribute to her thinking im interested. if so, whatevs. my life needs some sort of excitement or something to make it interesting.

i may be going up to camp today for what could possibly be the LAST time. and maybe seeing matt for the LAST time. for a long time. and in california. i have plans to go to texas, so i know i'll see him later in life.

my phone pooped out on me almost a week ago. i had to switch back to my old phone and i ended up losing all my contacts. so i need numbers. if you have my number, just text me with your name. if not, leave me a comment with your number.

maktub.

[edit]*i just realized when i got a picture comment on one of my pictures on myspace, that i received a comment from her not even a week after lauren and i started talking. further research into my profile comments revealed that we have known each other only a few days shorter than i have known lauren.

learning.

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:48:46 GMT

meeeeh.

i'll take it as it comes. life, that is.

certain things don't last forever.

i'll have my chance.

relationships don't last forever. most of them, that is.

hurmmmmm.

it's too short to let things get you down. life, that is.

certain things do last forever.

my chance may have passed.

most relationships don't last forever. a few of them do, the rest we hope will last.

this song is 49:32 long. i guess that's why it's titled "infinity". i love it.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 02:03:19 GMT

you're good at dick moves that prevent me from ever wanting to reconcile with you.

wait for something better? this time it doesn't mean us.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 07:16:46 GMT

after a phone call from lauren tonight while she was driving back home from san diego or wherever she currently was, i've come to realize that we're so much better being just friends. we talked about it. through this last week of us breaking up and STILL talking every day, i think we've both become much more comfortable with each other. in fact i KNOW we are. we still know each other well and are really happy that we still talk as much as we do. that may one day change, but knowing that we both know things are better this way brings so much clarity to the issue. while im still emotionally bummed about the events that took place, i know things are better this way and i'll get better. God has pulled me through a lot these last few weeks, and so much with this break up. im glad that i've realized how much better we are this way. i actually might like it a lot more than us being together.

i've seriously only listened to this new album by hands, since ive been home. its SOOOOOOO GOOD.

wait for something better. will i know when it can be us?

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:23:41 GMT

so that roll of film that had some t0tally sw33t pix0rz on it, had NOTHING on it. i guess i loaded the film wrong. i am very upset by this, but life goes on and there isn't anything i can do to change the outcome of it. unless somebody has a time machine they are willing to let me use for a second. plz. other than that terrible accident, i got a black and white roll from late last year developed. that had some good pictures on it, so i am pretty satisfied.

things between lauren and i are going well. im still pretty bummed we're not together anymore. especially since we still talk every day. its almost like how we were while we were dating, just we're not dating or talking about how we feel. and for me that kills, because i still feel so much for her. i dont know how she feels, and im not going to bother asking. maybe next time the subject of "us" comes up again. but whatevs. i just wish we would still be together. or get back together. i wish we could have tried to work through it together, instead of her on her own. maybe some day we'll try again when she's more comfortable. if she ever feels like it. or has feelings for me then. if they haven't diminished already. balls.

the other day, through a series of events, i found myself subscribing to podcasts from tithemi outreach, the church where xdeathstarx and sleeping giant attend. i was SUPER STOKED when i found this, and i really dont know why. i listened to the sermon last night while in bed, and i loved it. i love it. i love how God lead me there. i just downloaded all the previous sermons i could, and im about to put them on my ipod. someday i would really love to attend that church.

today i got the new hands album "creator" (that doesn't come out until tuesday) in the mail, along with a shirt and a poster thats signed by dave quiggle. i love the artwork for the poster, and the fact that his signed it is just awesome. i cant wait to put it up on my wall. thats one of the main reasons i preordered it. i didn't care for the shirt, i loved the band already, but the poster sealed the mothereffin DEAL!

i LOVE how my experiences with God have been becoming more frequent. or maybe my eyes are just opening. either way, praise the Lord, and keep it coming!

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 09:13:47 GMT

Lord, why are You so good to me? i love that You love me and take away my pain and misery. i love that You know me and know EVERYTHING that i need. i love that You take care of me. i love that You wiped the tears from my eyes. i love that You sent your Spirit to fill me with YOU, and bring out knowledge of You to share, and that that of all things, would fill the void in my heart. i love You.

God is so good, my friends. you really need to get in on this. its the best relationship you'll ever have.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 21:43:35 GMT

this last weekend/week was... it had its many ups and downs.

but lets skip to what this entry will mainly be about: lauren dumped me on friday.

as much as i felt it coming, i was completely blindsided by it. i had that sense it was going to happen while she was still in lebanon, and even on thursday while we were hanging out at the sleeping giant show in pomona. i just felt it coming, and i couldn't believe it when i got the "we need to talk" text the next morning.

i dealt with it pretty well in the beginning, but it wasn't until it actually settled in and processed in my mind that it was over where i actually got depressed over it. some days were better than others. saturday night was the worst to me. i thought about her smiling at me while i was driving back to shukwits house, and i started crying. that just killed me.

her reasons for ending the relationship were very reasonable. i understand why and as much as i didn't want the relationship to end, i let it go. she said it was hard for her to be herself around me (she claims herself to be a "perverted sarcastic bitch"), and that it wasn't getting easier. i always thought she was being respectful around me, but it never bothered me that that was parent of her personality. i never knew it was a problem, especially one that put my relationship on the line. she came to the conclusion of this while she was in lebanon, being that way around everyone; even her dad. she realized that im the ONLY person she has trouble with and cant be that way around. not because i didn't allow it (i didn't care), but because it was just difficult for her. part of me thinks it mostly has to do with the fact that i am christian, and it probably does have a lot to do with that. but im not blaming it, because its who i am. i guess we just clashed in the personal areas of who we are.
i still care about her very much. im over the break up, but its hard getting over how i feel and letting that go. we're still friends and we've talked so much more than i have right after any other previous break up. it doesn't bother me that we're talking and not together anymore, that honestly doesn't hurt me. im just really glad that we are still friends and nothing is separating us or preventing us from talking or being friends. she called me this morning to tell me that she might be going to fresno state, because of their sign language major. the only other college that offers it is northridge. wherever she chooses to go, i'll be happy for her for pursuing that career. while on the phone, she even brought up the possibility of us ever getting back together in the future, and if we do, it'll happen. its good to know that the possibility is still there for us to ever give it another chance, and that right now just isn't right. im not counting on us getting together, nor am i going to sit and wait for the day. but if its meant to happen, it'll happen. i'd be a liar if i said i wasn't hoping for it, but im not laying everything down for it to happen. im not counting on it. im simply going to let it be and enjoy how things are. i may have lost a girlfriend, but i've gained a good friend. i was looking at the wall in my room where i have posters and picture up, and there is a polaroid of us on there. i unpinned it, but then i thought "this is now no different than a picture of my hugging any other friend i have. we're still friends." so i put it back. if it bothers me, i'll take it down. but right now, it doesn't. while she called to tell me about this whole fresno thing, we just talked, had a normal conversation minus the "i love yous" and "i miss yous". we just talked, and it was nice.

last night i went to keil's with jared. please keep keil and his wife in your prayers. God knows why.
after keil's house, jared and i went to hangout with his bro friends. why i went, i dont know. i guess i really just didn't want to be home. all they did was talk and drink, but i enjoyed it. i didn't even drink a full beer, because i still think its pretty gross, but i enjoyed the conversations and events that happened. like punctured tires and changing them. i wouldn't hang out with them often, but i wouldn't doubt it if i ever did it again. as long as there isn't any weed. i hate being around it or hearing about it.

other than lauren breaking up with me, i had a pretty good weekend. like i said, it had its many ups and downs. the downs mostly being me suddenly processing that i got dumped and depressing me, but something somehow made it better. God always seems to make things better.

speaking of which, my experiences lately with God and the Spirit was been so incredible. i only wish those of you who dont believe could understand.

i'll be developing the roll of film that is currently in my camera pretty soon! im stoked because i think i actually took some good pictures this time around. at least ones with memories that i'll love. who cares what you think.

all in all, God is good. i love it.

.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 23:51:28 GMT

All in, all in, all in a day.

A day, it changes everything.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 06:12:24 GMT

today i was spiritually attacked while researching end time prophecies from the bible that have taken place, and which are left to happen. it left me feeling as though my own salvation wasn't secure and i dont know why. but it really got to me and it really brought me down. why wouldn't it? im questioning my salvation which throws me in spiritual turmoil. i showed up to work two hours early, because i didn't know i worked at 7. my parents saw it in me and my mom asked me what was wrong. i started crying as i told her, and she prayed with me. my spirit has been so vulnerable these last few days, and i let my guard down and satan got in. she explained that to me, and i knew that in the back of my mind, but i didn't think about it. it never occurred to me that all these doubts, fears, and worries were him pulling me away. i spent the time i could at work reading my bible (thank you, leah, for bringing it by), and listening to uplifting songs by rich mullins, leeland, and other christian band/artists who still hold meaning to me. i still felt very weak while working, so light headed i could pass out, but that was probably due to the fact that i haven't slept well these last few nights.

all in all, i will pull through this.

God brings a spirit of peace and comfort. not fear, or worry, or doubt. my salvation is secure in Christ and nothing can take that away from me. N O T H I N G.

but now is also not the time to be ignorant of the end. watch for the return of Christ. pray for the return of Christ.